So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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