who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
