A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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