Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
