Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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