just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
