I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Ketchup is God's man juice
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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