Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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