rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
