your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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