my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Dicks are not precious.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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