I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
