there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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