they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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