I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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