I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
