I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
