If that was your dad, he is hot
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
