So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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