She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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