I think I won the penis lottery.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
