Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
