Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
