i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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