I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
