Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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