Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
