I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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