mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
