You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
