our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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