i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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