Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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