I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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