Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
