oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
