I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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