WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
