opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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