YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
