Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
