i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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