she takes plan B like it's going out of style
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
