Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
