I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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