tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
So squirting runs in the family.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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