I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
