I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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