I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
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