Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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