Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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