our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
