i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
