Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
