Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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