Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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